Thursday, October 20, 2011

One of the rare post

People who follow my blog must be bored by it for the past 1 year. I posted practically near to zero entries other than the VoM and BPoM posts. I gave myself excuses of being very busy, busy with this and that, etc etc. There was a time in June that I wanted to blogged but did not, right after I came back from my 2 weeks holiday on a cruise to Shanghai and tour of Jiang Nan; a trip that I planned and probably deserved for working hard through 2010 till 2011 SNCC Nationals. Today I shall just randomly pen down some of my thoughts since then till now. So many many many many many.....many things had happened this year, even just for the last 3 - 4 months. If I do not start writing them down, it would probably be lost in my ever forgetful mind of mine in time to come. No more excuses that I have no time, for I had time to write down at least more than a couple of over thousand words "essays" to some people I cared for and who are always at the back of my mind for the past over 1 year now.

On this (some would say emo) night drinking a glass of liquer, which I wanted but had't done for some time, just chilling and relaxing, I had this sudden urge to go to my videos on FB and re-watched them again. First thought that came into my head was, "wow I was quite slim (relatively) back then". Then (only last year) I could still do gymnastics pretty ok for a person who just started proper learning after 23. Then as I continued to watch, I realised that my stunting abilities are pretty awesome I would say (I did not think so back then, but compared to now I really feel I was awesome then), for being able to complete that gruelling 1 min PS routine for Nationals. haha.

Fast forward back to reality from the videos, everything seems to be just slipping away from me. The more I tried to do more and more and more, the less and less and less I seemed to achieve. I had been listening to audio cds in my drive these days (Ken lent me), and I gathered that it was because I had been trying to do too many and lose focus and result on even the best thing I can do. Few people actually knows everything that I had been doing in my life, not even my mother. Some people knows a part of the things that I am doing and some people knows another part of the things that I am doing; but no one knows fully everything that I had been up to; except Xuewei and probably maybe Ken. Even so each of these groups of people are already asking me how is it possible that I can do all these, am I crazy or what; when non of them even know half of everything that I had been doing. Just checking over 10 different emails accounts, more than 3 FB accounts and a few other twitter accounts a day etc is already alot of work and it does not end there. (That's as far as I will try to get an idea across of the various stuff that had been keeping me busy). And most people often forgot that I am still have a full time profession as an ENGINEER (which I really hated it to be honest)!!

Those who knows me from cheer probably knows I am coaching Alpha, coaching Hall 5, training with Astros, author of XWonder blog, sponsor and partner of VoM and BPoM, with the occasional visit to ACES and Wildcards. Those who knows me from my drive to achieve financial freedom, so that I can give back much more to cheerleading, will probably know me doing few different high yielding investments, doing a couple of business for people and also trying to set up a few of my own. Those who know me from my full time job as an engineer will probably thinks that I am moonlighting outside of work at night as I always dose off at work (the boring-est time of my day). There are also some who know me just as friends, outside of all these and I always feel calm and relax when I am with them, just chilling, but most times rushing to chill then rushing off again.

Pardon me for my grumbling or rubbish, but this is my blog right? I can write anything I want and I am not always full of positivity; I have my downs alot too just that no one sees them often. But anyway there won't be much of these posts too, just one of the rare post I do once in a blue moon so that I can look back in future to remember the phase and state of my mind I am in then.

You know during my time on cruise and at Jiang Nan this June, was just about the longest I had been away from cheerleading since 2004. And I mean really doing nothing related to cheer at all, there were no reception and stuff on the cruise, I cannot even FB in China. Even during my days of rushing for FYP, I still had the occasional "video appreciation" and some stunting seasions once in a while. So after that 2 weeks of complete break, and I came back to Singapore, I felt like a totally different person. It just feels like I have lost touched with cheerleading, or cheerleading had lost touched with me; cheerleading simply moved on without my pressence and the world continued to spin. The feeling is quite "zen". For the next few weeks I was back, I simply felt that I seemed to have lost my passion for cheer. I do not know how to describe the feeling, but it was just emptiness. I realised I could actually survived without cheer...

After that trip, I began to ask myself all sorts of questions about my relationship with cheer, as I continued with my life taking on more and more stuff; took up Hall 5 coaching and another business (for those of you who rememebered I bought Optimus Prime in China, and even tried to do a online business selling transformers, hahaha, I just laugh at the thought of that stupid idea. I still have 1 Jetwing Optimus Prime Mint in Sealed Box, MISB, for sale if any one interested though. lol). I thought I was challenging myself back then, I thought I was trying to get out of my comfort zone, in doing and taking up more, but now I finally realised that the opposite is true. I was trying to give myself a way out, I was giving myself the excuse to fail. It's more like, "ok if this fails, I still have another to fall back on". I did took up more and more, I thought I was challenging myself, but even as I am typing now, it just makes more and more sense that I am actually trying to avoid some issues and finding ways out, giving myself "safety nets" which are not even that "safe" at all. Do you have this feeling before that sometimes having so much things waiting for you to do that you don't know where to start and end up feeling too overwhelmed and simply stop doing anything at all? This is what is happening to me more frequently recently. I guess I am running out of stamina.

I am sure most heard of the phrase, "Jack of all trades, Master of ___??". You all know the answer, fill in the blank yourself. Focus Focus Focus. Focus on 1 thing at a time and not screwing yourself up by taking so many. Even if you were a master at each of them, adding them all up and try doing them all at a time still F***s you up big time. Just imagine kicking a ball and holding a cupie at the same time; no matter how good a soccer player you are or how great a cheerleader you are, you are never going to make it far this way. I guess it is definitely great to have multiple streams of income, but which is better - a couple streams of HUGE income, or multiple multiple multiple streams of small income?? Food for thought myself. This post is mainly for me, for me to just rumble about stuff and it certainly helps. It clears up my mind and reaffirms certain concepts as well as rid of some misleading ones. Writing is indeed a very good form of therapy and it is free. It allows me to see myself clearer and gives this very recharging feeling to me. It seems that I had left all my worries into these words and start to feel lighter again.

I guess I started off writing these feeling all emo and down, but now at the end of this post, I am actually feeling great and positive again. I may have gone through alot more problems than some people, but all these are great learning (I hope you can gain something from this sharing too). In fact I know that I had a great mindset, I had been able to position myself far better off than most average; I just need to sort out some thoughts, find my clarity and intentions back on track and I am ready to charge forward again.

Now I know what I need to do, everything is clear once again. Focus!

P.S: I want to thank Ken for helping me find my clarity again, for giving me that "ah ha" moment I was looking for again. I know you are often frustrated by me, for bothering you and for not letting you go home that night till I find my answer. Thanks again my "brother", you know what I mean. =)

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